To Mr. Ever After:

Dear Pants Guy,
You don't exist.

Lately, I've been talking about literature- fiction to be more specific. The stories of love, adventure, and heroism that swirl around my head and sweep me into a fog of daydreams.

I want to believe that someday I'll get swept into an adventure with you, and end up falling in love while we save the world. I want to believe that there is magic in life. I want to believe in you.
But how can you possibly exist? There is no magic, there is no plotline.
Everyone of my decisions, no matter how small, changes my story- it's not written, but fleeting, uncatchable. I know that reason and logic crush the bounds of imagination as reality. The dreams that people put on paper are just that: dreams.

But, still. There's something to the idea that one day, just as in every story, there is a point where the hero or heroine is faced with the decision to leave everything behind, all that they've ever known, and make that journey into the unknown. It's this thought, this daydream that gets me through somedays. I think of you, and imagine what impossible happenings and adventures we would share. You wouldn't be perfect, no true Hero is, but we would grow during our journey- through all of the obstacles, while fighting for our very lives, we would begin to understand eachother. A profound change would occur, and we would realize that we'd finally found what we were looking for.
I think I even know you- you're stubborn tenacity, quick grin, and quick temper for the wrongs in your world. Of course, there's that something about you: that one factor that gleams in every Hero- that part of you that pushes on, and accomplishes the impossible when everyone wrote you off. There's that deep goodness inside of you that everyone recognizes- they know you will always end up fighting for good. Despite all of your hard exterior, there's a part of you that needs love, that does believe in the strength of it. Together, we'll find it.

Who wouldn't want to believe in it? Hasn't society always had this ideal- this image of you? Our "knights in shining armor" our Robin Hoods and Supermans, our unlikely heroes and dashing prince charmings. Sure, I could admit to myself that maybe you don't actually exist beyond the realms of my imagination, but isn't that the only thing we need? It's always trust, beliefs, and a bit of luck that see us to the end of the stories.

I so want to melt into one of these stories- to find you, to fight for you and with you. There are some days when my normal life gets so heavy- so thick that it feels like I can't get out of my car. And so I sit, in the parking lot- in the rain, and close my eyes- wishing hard that somehow--somehow, I will get out of the car and into your story. Our story.

My mother always says, that when the time is right, I'll find someone that fits. To steal a line from Queen, I'll find 'Somebody to love'. I think right now, I just don't want to- I'm still holding out for you, at least a little while longer. Still waiting to fall into our story.
I would leave it all behind for you.


Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz-- Sign me,
Flipping the pages that fill my head.

To Mr. Always Almost:

Dear Pants Guy,
I owe you an explanation.

I guess you could say, this letter has been a long time coming, and also another in a series of "sorry"s. Actually, I'm not sure sorry would quite cover the way I treated you.

We've always had that thing, I'm not sure what to call it- a connection? a tragic attraction? I say tragic because it always ends badly. There have been so many "almost"s. I'm not sure why you're always ready to talk to me after the previous 'almost'. The pattern is so much the same as a moth to a flame, whenever you get close I keep you warm until I burn you.

You think I'm a good person- but why? all I've ever done was piss you off because of my actions. You swear I've never broken your heart- "how could you?" you say, "We've never even dated." You're right, of course, we've never been official. I've never been strong enough to handle it; I've never been able to put aside what others think of 'us', even if they really have no idea who you are.
I'm scared of something serious. I'm scared to get in too deep; I'm scared to fall in love with you. I'm scared that if I did it would mean forever, and I don't know how to even think about 'forever'. I'm scared that you'll change your life for me, that you'll give up what you want to be with me; and then I will end up messing it all up.

I realize how self-centered this all is; but the thing is: all we can ever truly understand is our thoughts and our feelings. I can't imagine what you think- all I have is what I know to be true. My own truths.
To be completely frank, I'm so tired of hurting you-- because regardless of whether or not you 'loved' me-- it hurts. I'm sorry. Especially now; see, before you never made it particularly simple for us to be together. But something was different about the last time we saw each other. I guess maybe I was even more grown up (ahem, mature), but it almost seemed like we were finally at similar places in our lives , almost on the same page. I guess I fell off the page. It wasn't fair of me at all to let you think something so different than what I was thinking- I let myself run away. It wasn't fair to spend that whole day with you... but I honestly didn't want to leave that night.
I couldn't think.

To make things infinitely worse, I started a relationship with someone else. I wish I could convince you that I never intended for that to happen. Looking back, I realize just how horrible this was- what kind of a person am I? that I could not only hurt you, but in the process I ended up hurting that someone else as well- all because I didn't think. But I've already written that apology. This one is about you, and there are no excuses for letting myself be pushed into a relationship-- I'm stronger than that. It could have been different.

It's funny though, that every time we've gotten close, the same thing happens - why do you do it? why give me another chance? and another? Maybe this was the last time, and maybe you've finally made a clean break. Sometimes you have to cut all contact to get over it. That I understand well.
I guess I can't help but wonder if you still think of me. Or have you found a way to completely remove me from your thoughts. Because if you have, I'd really love to know how... the leftover "what-if"s are killer.

Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz-- Sign Me,
Tragically Repetitive and Regretting It.

To Mr. Oblivious (Again):

Dear Pants Guy,
I'm Getting Over it [you].

I said this would take more than one letter, because even though I get other people wrong 96.8% of the time, I get myself right 98.9% of the time.
I think the reason I'm having such a hard time letting it go, is because I'm so sure that it[we] will never happen.
The logic behind this seemingly twisted statement is simply this: I'm scared to have anything work out. I create these situations of impossibility to protect myself. I've talked before about never falling in love- or even those times when I didn't believe it. I'm so insanely scared to let myself find anything amazing that I do things that I know won't work out, mostly in three predictable scenarios:

Scenario #1: I date someone I'm not that into.
Scenario #2: I crush on someone that will never return those feelings, OR:
Scenario #3: (the worst, and unfortunately most common scenario) I reciprocate feelings that are genuine and proceed to completely back off before the situation turns into something real.
I think the clinical term for it is: Commitment Phob. [clearly not a clinical term...]

I guess that's where you come in: You're Scenario #2. Run-of-the-mill unrequited love (or something similar) Only, you don't know about it... God, that's creepier when you put it into words.
The only problem with you, is that I know I could get over this- I think we'd even be great as friends, but there is a buffer time period- when the interest has to go away, and I can properly transfer that interest onto the next poor soul and then we can be friends. Only, you keep on interrupting that buffer period.
I'm not socially handicapped. I know when someone doesn't return your feelings, you get over it-- move on, and I honestly have no intentions of being "That sketch girl that's been stalking you forever". The only problem is that I was confused in the beginning-- I thought you were maybe a little bit interested; if I was mistaken, I wish that you could have given me a hint- instead of just dropping off the face of the earth. A reason would have been nice, too; but I do know that that's maybe asking a bit too much. While I'm being honest, I'm glad that you even talked to me- because you're a great guy. But I guess we don't know each other well enough, because I don't understand your actions. Maybe you want to just be friends, and you think I'll get too attached or get the wrong idea. I guess you just don't know me- because, as history often repeats itself, I would most likely: be a little attached at first, never do anything about it, and then move on healthily in my normal fashion. Here's where we bring it back to the interrupted part: My personality is such that if you present me with a challenge, I'll do everything I can to hit the bar, win the race, etc. You did this- not intentionally, I hope, but you did. I think that it's one of those "want what you can't have challenges" now.
It's safe though- I can't get hurt. All because I honestly believe it would never work out... my heart is truly in a stainless steel cage... With this guy as it's own personal body guard.

I wonder if that would make you feel any better about talking to me. I could ask you the next time you break my buffer period, but chances are you wouldn't know what the hell I was talking about. In fact, I'm 73.4% sure that I don't know what I'm talking about. I guess I just need to get this out, because I don't need to actually send you this letter- I don't even need you to know it exists. In fact, I would honestly die if you did know about it-- then I really would look like "The creeper who is secretly obsessed with you". I'm not. I just have a system- an internal pattern that makes me act like a complete idiot. Please, make this easy on me: Stop breaking the pattern. It works 100% of the time. Although, that would mean I'm lousy at math...

Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz-- Sign Me,
Actually getting over it- albeit not fast enough...

To Mr. BFF:

Dear Pants Guy,
For once, I won't say sorry. Instead I get to say "Thank you."

Some people say that Guys and Girls just can't be friends. I would disagree wholeheartedly if my experience had proved it wrong. It hadn't...Until you, that is. You are truly an amazing friend- Not to mention, a guy. I would count you among the best, in fact.

I suppose to have any successful friendship, there must be some sort of chemistry- which is generally why it's confusing to be "just friends." Meeting under the right circumstances must be important? What makes friendship between a guy and a girl possible?
I'm going to go ahead and say maturity. It's true that if you meet while unavailable, that may help- but there are so many romantic relationships that have started under those circumstances. I think that it must be the fact that people are people, and once you can look past a person's sex, you can really begin to get to know them.
I think that we became friends under circumstances pretty similar to those above. You understand completely that you don't have to feel the need to be with every girl you meet. Even if some friendships do eventually turn into something more, maybe even something wonderful- they don't have to. They can be just that; simply a friendship. You understand that I can be genuine with you, and you don't immediately assume that means I am interested in you.

You're my advice guy. I can rely on you for the truth. Even if it smarts a little. Even if it's completely obvious to everyone but me. You're the other side, and I need that. Thank you for always being able to say to me, "Um, no. You're wrong."
Thank you for the compliments, they make me feel great, because I know they're not just sugary sweet, or fake.
I love that you take care of one of the most important people in my life. Maybe that's why we're such good friends (Not because of your own merit, of course!). You don't know how much that means to me. I respect you, and I hope that you know you can always ask me for help, advice, or space. I can give you any of them, and am completely willing to. (She's kind of an area of expertise). You're totally honest with me about it too. I like that we can trust each other enough to talk about it.
That's one of my favorite parts about our friendship- that I can talk to you.

I wanted to let you know that you are important to me, regardless. I hope that we will always be friends, and I think that we are mature enough to realize that, no matter what happens. I love that you're so straightforward about it. I'm so glad that you recognize that I'm a person, and that there are certain ways to treat a person.
We all have so much fun together, and I'm glad that you can take a good-humored jab or two. Laughing is so important in a friendship, and we can laugh- I love that.

I guess what I'm saying is "Thank you." You've made me believe that there are great guys out there. I think the only other thing left to say is that, although you know where my loyalties lie, you need to know that you are important to me as well, and I don't intend to make light of that.
So for the millionth time... Thanks.

Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz- Sign Me,
Glad that we've finally grown up (mostly.)

To Mr. Better As A Friend:

Dear Pants Guy,
I'm sorry.
I feel like I'm always apologizing. Always. I'm sorry that we can't get together tonight. I'm sorry that I didn't have time to call. I'm sorry that we haven't been able to see each other at all. I'm sorry that my sarcasm made you feel like shit. I'm sorry that I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry that it's not going to work. There are times when I do owe you an apology, in fact, I'm not sure that any of this was your fault. But blame is overrated.
I just still can't believe you thought it was out of the blue- what kind of a real relationship do you have when you don't need to talk to that person for weeks, or when you don't even tell them what's going on in your life?
I know that everyone always says it- it's the oldest cliché in the world: "It's not you, it's me." I wish that you knew how true it was when it comes to me; I'm a little bit relationship retarded and a lot commitment-phobic. I get scared, I back out. I guess eventually there will be that guy who doesn't let that happen- that moment when it all works, when I finally work right.
You are an amazing person- I absolutely never meant to make you doubt that. You're attractive, have a great sense of humor, you're smart, creative, loyal, your friends mean everything to you- you know what you believe in, and you stand up for it. I respect you more than you will ever know. We were friends first- and remember that, please.
I'm not sure exactly why I don't feel more for you. There isn't a direct answer for that; we get along great, and I feel comfortable with you. I guess there is just that extra something missing; our chemistry doesn't mix- we've changed a lot from when we first knew each other. I need to want make time for you, even if I had to create another day of the week.
Maybe I'm unrealistic... I'm sure my ideas of what love is supposed to be like get in the way of reality- get in between us. I guess I've got to learn to see past it. I couldn't do that this time.
The one thing that really gets me is that I probably won't talk to you again. Not really talk to you. Everyone always says "I hope we can still be friends" and there are some people who can actually do that. First of all, I think both parties have to be willing to do so. Maybe I hurt you too badly for this to be possible. When I asked you if we would ever talk again, you hesitated. I was a little reluctant to let it go, but now I realize something. Clearly, if we didn't even talk while we were dating- why the hell would we talk when we weren't? I don't expect you to call me everyday, or even regularly. I guess I just don't want us to turn into the two people who bump into each other through mutual friends or in town, and have an awkward two-minute conversation in which we don't even say anything real. It's the real that I don't want to lose. My mother would tell me at this point, "You can't have your cake and eat it too." She's right of course; I said goodbye to the real when I said goodbye to you. I'll miss that. I think I'll miss you too.
I know it hurts, and for that: I truly am sorry.

Peace, Love, and All that Other Jazz- Sign Me,
Wrong Again and sounding the Retreat.

To Mr. Douchebag:

Dear Pants Guy,
You make my blood boil. I try to be civil, really, because being a complete and total moron is not my style.
First of all, I honestly thought practical jokes that involved IMing someone and pretending to "like them" were good and extinct in Middle School. Apparently not? I missed that note- someone must have put it in the wrong locker...
I almost feel bad about trying to tell you how much of a compliment it was that you found the guts to actually tell me how you felt, and then trying to let you down easy. No, you didn't have very good chance of getting a date- and now? Oh, buddy- there isn't an expression cliché enough to tell you how much of a chance you don't have.
Am I being too harsh? I mean, after all it was a joke- and I do love good jokes, in fact I've pulled a couple great pranks myself; of course it is true that none of them ended with me looking like a dumbass, but not everyone is equal...
I guess I just can't believe that you think it's funny to get turned down by a girl, and I'd really like to say that it's a pretty shitty thing to do to all of the nice guys in this world who really do mean it- and might have had a chance. I know the kind of guts it takes to ask somebody out, even on IM- and it's sad that you have to dismantle, in one lame-ass maneuver, what thousands of bruised ego's and shot-to-hell self confidences had built for every guy without a BMW.

Just remember how hysterical this joke was when you ask the girl of your dreams out and she tells you that you "don't have a snowball's chance in hell." At least she can think up a fitting cliché...

Peace, Love, and All that Other Jazz-- Sign Me,
Disappointed that Middle School Reared Its Ugly Head Again

To Mr. Head-Over-Heels:

Dear Pants Guy,
You really liked me. In fact you really, really liked me. The next week- you loved me.

I liked you too... before you broke out the "L" word. I was so gun-shy even then that I absolutely took off at a sprint.
I wanted to apologize for that. It's only now that I realize you probably didn't even know what that meant to me- the magnitude of the phrase- and when you say that to someone that you "really, really like" you've got to know what that stands for.I've never been in Love- I can say that only because I've never felt something so strong that it almost knocks me over; something that drives you to do something greater than yourself. I imagine that it's most like jumping off of a cliff- and loving every minute of it.
There are a lot of people that I love- my Family topping the charts on that one, but I also believe that "Love ya" is so different than "I love you" and that context and circumstances also add to that.

You probably thought that's what you were supposed to say- and I crucified you for that (well, not literally). It means a lot to me that you could truly have liked that much about me, as a person, to know that you were in love with me. It says a lot about you as a person, as well. I'm sorry that I didn't respect that. The guts that it took are also something that I didn't even think about... shows how "kind and understanding" I am- though it was sweet of you to insist upon it.

In the end, I broke your heart. At least that's what some people said. I would like to believe that it just hurt for a while. With one more apology- I'd like to say that I'm sorry for never seeing what you saw; the possibility of love, that understanding and comfort that could have developed into something great. I don't know that much about love- I don't even know if it happens at once or over a long period of time, but thank you for believing in it- in me, and that possibility, even if I didn't. Maybe we could have been wonderful together- I'll never know. What I do know, is that you will find that eventually- that real, cliff-diving kind of feeling that makes you crazy. I know this because you almost did, and I want to thank you for Loving me- even if I couldn't believe it.

So here's to the future Mrs. Head-Over-Heels... May Love truly be yours forever.

Peace, Love, and All that Other Jazz- sign me,
Apologetic and cringing because of it.

To Mr. Oblivious:

Dear Pants Guy,
First of all, I'll never get this out in one letter. There's too much to say.
So I'll start at the beginning: I liked you from the moment I saw you. Which could be considered creepy- but even the best movie romances would have been creepy had the feeling not been returned.

I know that I didn't know you, but you seemed a little interested, and so I got excited, you know that "just met you, but you're awesome and make me feel like I'm 12 again" kind of excited. And while eloquence (aka any intelligent conversation at all) may have escaped me in every conversation we've ever had- I just wish that you could see my biting wit, endearing cheesiness, bumbling cuteness, and remarkable brilliance... all within two mumbled syllables.
I can't help it that you make me nervous- that's supposed to be cute to you, right?
I can't help it that everytime you talk to me I turn bright red (I thought that ended in the 3rd grade)

I'm usually so grounded. I've never been in love, and at one point- I even stopped believing in it. That didn't last long though, examples of it are all around me.

Sometimes I think that I've made you into someone your not- in my mind. That seems the most rational if I think it over, because I don't know you. I don't know how you work or what you think about before you sleep. I don't know your favorite time of day, or what really gets you going. I'd like to, but then what if you don't measure up? Maybe it's me that's keeping you here, in my head, so I never have to deal with the less-than-perfect reality. I tell myself that if we ever got to know each other, that you really are special and that I could accept any of your faults (which are sooo nonexistent, of course...) but what if I really couldn't?

It's weird that you don't notice me. Or if you do notice me- it's not in the way that I want you to. I could waist a thousand pennies wishing that you'd fall in love with me, but do I really, actually want that?
I think so. Even if it's just to be noticed. That's ridiculous I know- but true. It's how we're made; with the need to be noticed, accepted--loved.

I read somewhere that a guy knows immediately whether or not he wants to be with you, and that if he doesn't actively pursue you, than it's time to move on and forget about him-- no matter how hot he is- or how much you like him. If that's true, than it's high time I got over you!
Why is it that you always want what you can't have, or the relationship equivalent "you always want what doesn't want you"?

What if one more wish could make you like me?

Peace, Love and All That Other Jazz- Sign Me,
The One Poorly Hidden Behind the Potted Plant

The First of Many "Letters"

Dear Reader,

I always feel the necessity of a disclaimer... sometimes common sense isn't readily available, and the "obvious" isn't all that clear. So:

These are not real letters- they are just compositions I would never have the guts to send. Some of them aren't even letters- in fact most of them will probably be thoughts and questions- reflections, if you will. I'd like to keep them in letter form, hopefully I won't stray too far from that basic template. As the French would say, "Allez Viens!"

You may be asking yourself, "Pants Guy"? And that would be a legitimate question.
Most girls, ladies, women, etc. do this; you see someone that you don't know- and for the sake of conversation label them with a name. It could be anything... i.e. "Oh, remember Pigtails Girl?" or "I saw that Pigeon Man again" We've been naming mysterious figures since, well forever. Case in point: "the Lone Ranger" and any superhero ever known to mankind. Pants guy is just that, a nickname. It is indeed a nickname that I actually used/use, but the necessity of a nickname becomes little more than an embarrassment that you never bring up again once you know that person in question. Therefore, "Pants Guy" was retired. Maybe one day I'll have the guts to tell the story of it's origination. But for all intensive purposes: "Pants Guy" for us, is well, any guy who wears pants.

So the object is to write to every guy, well, ever? No. It's more of a selective, whatever I'm going though, rant, Ode, Poem, Accolade, whatever. These letters will be to any guy that happens to be in the picture at the moment- or was. Just stuff that I need to get out- and hopefully someone, anyone, can relate.


I look forward to releasing all of this and I hope you enjoy and subsequent letters!
Peace, Love, and All of that Jazz,
Steph