Wednesday, March 11, 2009

To Mr. Now You See Me:

Dear Pants Guy,

You're there one minute, and then next? No where to be found. Why is it that you always disappear. 
I know that we've been friends for a while now, If that's what you could call us, so why the hesitation?

Everyone says that if a guy likes you, than he'll let you know. That he'll want to be around you, and that he'll call you. Now, while I don't necessarily believe all of the "you're worth it" propaganda, and I'm pretty sure that most guys don't have the balls to call a girl up and tell her how they feel, I'd think that if that girl had spent significant amounts of time with you that it'd boost your confidence just a little bit. 

I'm Tired of not knowing. 
 I know we're not friends... friends don't spend the night, friends don't snuggle up, and friends certainly don't kiss more often than a drunken mistake. Then what are we? I'm certainly not your girl, and we are clearly not dating. Am I a "booty call"?  Really, do you value me as a person at all? Do you even know me?
I like to think that you do know me, and that you are just hesitant to act on your feelings. Maybe you're afraid of commitment, or that you'll be disappointed. I know you've had bad experiences in the past, but I didn't think that you were that effected or changed. Maybe it's me who doesn't know you well.

Of course, I bitch about how you never make a move, and how maybe you don't know me, but perhaps you know me better than I know myself. Maybe you can feel my indecision. To be completely honest, I'd be scared to be in a relationship with you- there are so many factors that I just overthink between us. You're temper isn't a problem, it's almost your lack of it. You joke that you don't have emotions, but it's that lack of emotions that makes me nervous. I know you do, and I also know that it's not "manly" to show them.  You're so easy going that you don't care about what you do, about where you're going, what you want to do. If you can't be passionate about your life, how could you feel that way about me? 
I'm not saying that I wouldn't give us a chance. I think that I would. It could be great, if we both let it be. That's the problem, that right time-- right place moment. If we could both get it together. The only problem is that you aren't around long enough to see.

Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz
Sign me,

Cautious to Care at All

Friday, October 3, 2008

To Mr. Ever After:

Dear Pants Guy,
You don't exist.

Lately, I've been talking about literature- fiction to be more specific. The stories of love, adventure, and heroism that swirl around my head and sweep me into a fog of daydreams.

I want to believe that someday I'll get swept into an adventure with you, and end up falling in love while we save the world. I want to believe that there is magic in life. I want to believe in you.
But how can you possibly exist? There is no magic, there is no plotline.
Everyone of my decisions, no matter how small, changes my story- it's not written, but fleeting, uncatchable. I know that reason and logic crush the bounds of imagination as reality. The dreams that people put on paper are just that: dreams.

But, still. There's something to the idea that one day, just as in every story, there is a point where the hero or heroine is faced with the decision to leave everything behind, all that they've ever known, and make that journey into the unknown. It's this thought, this daydream that gets me through somedays. I think of you, and imagine what impossible happenings and adventures we would share. You wouldn't be perfect, no true Hero is, but we would grow during our journey- through all of the obstacles, while fighting for our very lives, we would begin to understand eachother. A profound change would occur, and we would realize that we'd finally found what we were looking for.
I think I even know you- you're stubborn tenacity, quick grin, and quick temper for the wrongs in your world. Of course, there's that something about you: that one factor that gleams in every Hero- that part of you that pushes on, and accomplishes the impossible when everyone wrote you off. There's that deep goodness inside of you that everyone recognizes- they know you will always end up fighting for good. Despite all of your hard exterior, there's a part of you that needs love, that does believe in the strength of it. Together, we'll find it.

Who wouldn't want to believe in it? Hasn't society always had this ideal- this image of you? Our "knights in shining armor" our Robin Hoods and Supermans, our unlikely heroes and dashing prince charmings. Sure, I could admit to myself that maybe you don't actually exist beyond the realms of my imagination, but isn't that the only thing we need? It's always trust, beliefs, and a bit of luck that see us to the end of the stories.

I so want to melt into one of these stories- to find you, to fight for you and with you. There are some days when my normal life gets so heavy- so thick that it feels like I can't get out of my car. And so I sit, in the parking lot- in the rain, and close my eyes- wishing hard that somehow--somehow, I will get out of the car and into your story. Our story.

My mother always says, that when the time is right, I'll find someone that fits. To steal a line from Queen, I'll find 'Somebody to love'. I think right now, I just don't want to- I'm still holding out for you, at least a little while longer. Still waiting to fall into our story.
I would leave it all behind for you.

Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz-- Sign me,
Flipping the pages that fill my head.

Monday, August 4, 2008

To Mr. Always Almost:

Dear Pants Guy,
I owe you an explanation.

I guess you could say, this letter has been a long time coming, and also another in a series of "sorry"s. Actually, I'm not sure sorry would quite cover the way I treated you.

We've always had that thing, I'm not sure what to call it- a connection? a tragic attraction? I say tragic because it always ends badly. There have been so many "almost"s. I'm not sure why you're always ready to talk to me after the previous 'almost'. The pattern is so much the same as a moth to a flame, whenever you get close I keep you warm until I burn you.

You think I'm a good person- but why? all I've ever done was piss you off because of my actions. You swear I've never broken your heart- "how could you?" you say, "We've never even dated." You're right, of course, we've never been official. I've never been strong enough to handle it; I've never been able to put aside what others think of 'us', even if they really have no idea who you are.
I'm scared of something serious. I'm scared to get in too deep; I'm scared to fall in love with you. I'm scared that if I did it would mean forever, and I don't know how to even think about 'forever'. I'm scared that you'll change your life for me, that you'll give up what you want to be with me; and then I will end up messing it all up.

I realize how self-centered this all is; but the thing is: all we can ever truly understand is our thoughts and our feelings. I can't imagine what you think- all I have is what I know to be true. My own truths.
To be completely frank, I'm so tired of hurting you-- because regardless of whether or not you 'loved' me-- it hurts. I'm sorry. Especially now; see, before you never made it particularly simple for us to be together. But something was different about the last time we saw each other. I guess maybe I was even more grown up (ahem, mature), but it almost seemed like we were finally at similar places in our lives , almost on the same page. I guess I fell off the page. It wasn't fair of me at all to let you think something so different than what I was thinking- I let myself run away. It wasn't fair to spend that whole day with you... but I honestly didn't want to leave that night.
I couldn't think.

To make things infinitely worse, I started a relationship with someone else. I wish I could convince you that I never intended for that to happen. Looking back, I realize just how horrible this was- what kind of a person am I? that I could not only hurt you, but in the process I ended up hurting that someone else as well- all because I didn't think. But I've already written that apology. This one is about you, and there are no excuses for letting myself be pushed into a relationship-- I'm stronger than that. It could have been different.

It's funny though, that every time we've gotten close, the same thing happens - why do you do it? why give me another chance? and another? Maybe this was the last time, and maybe you've finally made a clean break. Sometimes you have to cut all contact to get over it. That I understand well.
I guess I can't help but wonder if you still think of me. Or have you found a way to completely remove me from your thoughts. Because if you have, I'd really love to know how... the leftover "what-if"s are killer.

Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz-- Sign Me,
Tragically Repetitive and Regretting It.