I owe you an explanation.
I guess you could say, this letter has been a long time coming, and also another in a series of "sorry"s. Actually, I'm not sure sorry would quite cover the way I treated you.
We've always had that thing, I'm not sure what to call it- a connection? a tragic attraction? I say tragic because it always ends badly. There have been so many "almost"s. I'm not sure why you're always ready to talk to me after the previous 'almost'. The pattern is so much the same as a moth to a flame, whenever you get close I keep you warm until I burn you.
You think I'm a good person- but why? all I've ever done was piss you off because of my actions. You swear I've never broken your heart- "how could you?" you say, "We've never even dated." You're right, of course, we've never been official. I've never been strong enough to handle it; I've never been able to put aside what others think of 'us', even if they really have no idea who you are.I'm scared of something serious. I'm scared to get in too deep; I'm scared to fall in love with you. I'm scared that if I did it would mean forever, and I don't know how to even think about 'forever'. I'm scared that you'll change your life for me, that you'll give up what you want to be with me; and then I will end up messing it all up.
I realize how self-centered this all is; but the thing is: all we can ever truly understand is our thoughts and our feelings. I can't imagine what you think- all I have is what I know to be true. My own truths.
To be completely frank, I'm so tired of hurting you-- because regardless of whether or not you 'loved' me-- it hurts. I'm sorry. Especially now; see, before you never made it particularly simple for us to be together. But something was different about the last time we saw each other. I guess maybe I was even more grown up (ahem, mature), but it almost seemed like we were finally at similar places in our lives , almost on the same page. I guess I fell off the page.
It wasn't fair of me at all to let you think something so different than what I was thinking- I let myself run away. It wasn't fair to spend that whole day with you... but I honestly didn't want to leave that night.I couldn't think.
To make things infinitely worse, I started a relationship with someone else. I wish I could convince you that I never intended for that to happen. Looking back, I realize just how horrible this was- what kind of a person am I? that I could not only hurt you, but in the process I ended up hurting that someone else as well- all because I didn't think. But I've already written that apology. This one is about you, and there are no excuses for letting myself be pushed into a relationship-- I'm stronger than that. It could have been different.
It's funny though, that every time we've gotten close, the same thing happens - why do you do it? why give me another chance? and another? Maybe this was the last time, and maybe you've finally made a clean break. Sometimes you have to cut all contact to get over it. That I understand well.
I guess I can't help but wonder if you still think of me. Or have you found a way to completely remove me from your thoughts. Because if you have, I'd really love to know how... the leftover "what-if"s are killer.
Peace, Love, and All That Other Jazz-- Sign Me,Tragically Repetitive and Regretting It.
